There is a delightful, inspirational story in the Bible about a man, his wife and their two daughters. From very humble beginnings, the man not only moved up in the world, step by step, but those steps rapidly turned into giant strides, making him a most respected and influential member of society. He married a beautiful woman whom he loved dearly, and when their daughters arrived they were loved unreservedly. If you want some uplifting reading, I can’t recommend this narrative strongly enough. You’ll find it in . . . .
Oops. I currently have five books all opened on my small desk here, and it seems I have mixed them up. Sorry about that. The inspirational story is about Barack and Michelle Obama. Unfortunately, you won’t find any lovely stories about women in the Bible. In the Bible, females are one of three things—a virgin, a whore or somebody’s wife and as a wife you are property meant only to bear sons for your husband. Kinda like cows produce milk. Concubines were bought and paid for, like wives, but they could not inherit so they were just, well, status symbols and property.
It would appear, from reading the Old Testament, that the most important attribute a female can possess is a hymen. The Holy Hymen. Don’t believe it? Read Deuteronomy, Chapter 22. It is astonishing in its breadth of hymen worship and its obsession with sex. That one chapter covers all of the following, and it’s only 894 words long:
1. Cross-dressing is an abomination.
2. If a man marries a woman, has sex with her, then discovers he hates her, and tries to get out of the deal by claiming she was not a virgin, the bride’s parents shall present to the elders of the city the “tokens of the damsel’s virginity” (meaning a blood-stained bed-sheet) and the husband shall be fined for his lying. The hated wife can not be got rid of by the hating husband, ever.
3. However, if bloody sheets cannot be produced, then the “damsel” shall be brought to her father’s house and stoned to death.
4. If a man sleeps with another man’s wife, both parties, the sinful man and the sinful woman, shall die. The sinful man has defiled another man’s property, so they both have to go, the man and the property.
5. If, in the city, a man rapes a virgin who is betrothed, they are both to be stoned to death. After all, if she’s in the city, and failed to cry out loud enough to stop the rape, then she and her rapist both die.
6. However, if a rapist does his deed to a betrothed female “in the field” then only he dies. The damsel may have cried out, but no one could have heard her to stop it. So only he dies.
7. If a man finds a virginal damsel who is not betrothed, and rapes her, then the rapist shall pay the female’s father fifty shekels of silver (for damaging the father’s property) and the female becomes the wife of her rapist. Forever.
8. Finally, a man may not sleep with any of his father’s wives. He also may not sleep with his father.
This is one sex-drenched chapter! The verses quoted most often, and for good reason, are these: “But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.” (Deut 22:20-21) That pretty well sums up the Bible’s opinion of women. Females had best be the bearers of hymens. Nothing else matters.
What is so obviously ignored in these ignorant words is that for every sinful “damsel” there is a man who made her that way. One of those “men of her city” stoning the hymen-less bride was probably the one who relieved her of her hymen. This sounds like a bit of feminist petulance, but it is more than that. The whole stoning thing is just stupid. If half the world can treat the other half as property, then both halves lose. Consider slavery. Or South Africa’s apartheid. Or Rush Limbaugh’s tirades. Humanity does not benefit from any of these bigots or bigotry. The fact that Deuteronomy’s misogyny is so blatant makes Christians and Jews wince and want to look away. But they may not look away. Why? Well, people like me won’t let them. If you consider yourself a Christian or Jew, and the Bible is the word of God, you must accept all of the above hateful nonsense as God’s will. Ouch. Not fun, huh?
To this day in Orthodox synagogues women are not allowed to be seated with the men. Often they must sit behind a screen as if they had cooties. Apologists be damned, the minyan still exists. A minyan is the Jewish requirement of a minimum of ten men in order to engage in certain religious activities. In Orthodox Judaism it is an absolute. Other Jewish strands will now also allow women in a minyan. Yet I’m finding it difficult to get choked up about that sort of generosity.
And of course let’s not forget the Muslims. Properly observant Muslims follow the time-honored practice of hijab. And just what is hijab? Simply put, it means that women are forced to dress like beekeepers. It would be funny except it isn’t. A large percentage of Muslim countries, following Islamic law, force this dress code on their women. Why? According to the Koran, “O Prophet! Tell thy wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons...that they should be known and not molested.” [Chapter 33, verse 59]
Cast their outer garments…yeah, we’re talking beekeepers. Proper hijab means a woman must cover her entire body except for her hands and her face. Her tent-like drape must not reveal even a hint of her shape. Her hair must not be visible at all. Those unfortunate enough to have some unwanted facial hair can solve the problem by opting for the Super Deluxe Tent, which reveals no face at all, and vision is only possible through a square of netting material in front of the eyes. Stepping off a curb can be a treacherous undertaking in one of these, but let’s keep our priorities straight. Hijab first, broken ankles second. Colors are to be drab so as not to attract attention. Jewelry is forbidden, especially noisy jewelry such as ankle-bracelets with bells. Ankle-bracelets with bells? We used to bell our cat because otherwise she’d sneak up on us and scare the daylights out of us but she didn’t seem to mind the bell. (ASPCA-approved.) But ankle-bracelets? I can’t imagine doing a Jingle Bells routine with each step and I think it would drive me crazy. But I digress. That part of hijab makes sense. No jingling.
Make-up and perfume are strictly prohibited, although in all that desert heat, wearing those tents, you have to wonder about body odor. Poor dears. Hopefully they’re allowed some fragrance-free herbs or something. However, as silly as this all sounds, it is a purely political power move. And a successful one. How can any young girl even begin to develop self-esteem, and therefore, possibly, independence, when she’s taught that her body is a ticking time-bomb? Answer: she can’t. And that’s the whole point.
The Uncontrollable, Unruly Penis Problem
What all the above examples are saying is that males have no power over their penises. Men claim that men should rule the world (women are too emotional) even though men can’t rule their own penises. Hmmm. What is wrong with this premise? Penises have wills of their own, don’t they? Men can’t control them! It would be nice to think that men could control their actions, but apparently that’s not an option. So they blame women for getting them all riled up.
This poor Muslim woman, was accused of adultery, and is being buried up to her waist in preparation of being stoned to death. Why is she being buried? It is so that while she is being stoned to death none of her “private parts” might be exposed. So logical. God forbid a woman’s pubic hair (or worse!) be exposed while she’s dying! Stonings like this still occur. The stoning of women is practiced in Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Nigeria and Saudi Arabia. Allah be praised.
Show a man your ankle and you’re asking to be raped! Everyone knows that. And if your ankles are playing Jingle Bells….okay, we’ve had enough of that. But the idea that women are seductive temptresses, motivated to drive men insane with sexual passion is, not surprisingly, a male idea. Women, like all sensible humans, want to be comfortable when they dress. They want to dress to accommodate ease of movement and, of course, the weather. They also have the additional problem of carrying babies and toddlers, so that would logically fit into their wardrobe decisions.
Also to be considered in this clothing discussion is the equator. People live there. I don’t know how they can stand the heat but they have managed. And the women’s clothes? Many cultures fight the heat with light clothing while others wear almost nothing at all. In all cases there is no problem with males being driven mad by women’s bodies and raping till they drop. Any restrictions, anywhere, on female clothes and/or behavior are strictly part of a political power play, to keep women in their place, subordinate to men. To prove this, consider the most famous women in the Bible. Let’s begin at the beginning, with Eve.
Biblical Bitches
Eve didn’t know she was naked, so I think we’re talking airhead here. Of course we have no way of knowing if a chimpanzee knows he’s naked, until we put little suits on him and set him on a tricycle. But I digress. Adam and Eve were told by God not to eat the fruit of a certain tree. Why the tree was there in the first place is a subject for a three-volume tome and another time. For our purposes, though, consider that it was the woman, Eve, who was talked into eating the forbidden fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (don’t ask) and she was convinced to do it by a talking snake (don’t ask). She then convinced Adam to try the fruit too. And he did. Because of that, they both suddenly realized they were naked and humankind was forever after doomed to pain and misery. So we have two people sinning and only one blamed: Eve! From that point on her husband was to rule over her. But why? What of Adam’s sin? Could he not have said no to Eve? I think we’re talking about the penis problem again because apparently he was unable to utter the simple word, “No.”
Also in the Bible’s Book of Genesis, we have the well known story of Sodom and Gomorrah. The people living there were beyond evil. They did things with leather and pussy willows that the modern mind can barely comprehend. They had to go. So God warned the only worthwhile human in the area, Lot, that the cities were about to be destroyed, so Lot should leave town pronto, but he should not look back at the cities being bombarded with fire and brimstone. (We may assume the fire and brimstone also murdered the babies and children, but that thought is for another time.) Anyway, Lot did as he was told and left town, but while doing so his wife, who is so important in the morality lesson, but so unimportant she had no name, did turn and look back. Stupid, stupid woman. Well, for her efforts, this woman-with-no-name was turned into a pillar of salt. Right there on the spot. A pillar of salt. And just because she turned around. Maybe she felt a huge mosquito on her shoulder? Well, we’ll never know, but the point remains. The female screwed up yet again.
Then we move on to one of the most famous bitches of all—Delilah. Tom Jones sang a song about her. Delilah’s story is long and complicated so let’s cut a long story short. Delilah was a traitor who sold out the famous Samson to the Philistines. How? By cutting off his hair. I am not making this up. His world-renowned strength resided in his hair. I wonder if he used mousse and gel. Anyway, once again a dastardly deed is laid at the feet, or whatever, of a female. This is getting tiresome.
Wedged in here is Jael Heber's wife. She destroyed an enemy named Sisera. She “took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died. [Duh.] (Judg 4:21)
And now, we come to perhaps the most famous biblical bitch of all—Jezebel. Everyone knows that name. It is synonymous with evil and seductive and temptress. It has become a common noun. It refers to any woman who is evil and scheming. Jezebel’s story? Well, actually, it is a his story because a previously faithful Ahab married this Jezebel person and began worshipping a false god, Baal. I think we’re back to the penis problem again. Anyway, for her sins, Jezebel was treated thusly: “And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her.” (II Ki 9:10) Well, yuck. To this day women who “steal” husbands are called home-wreckers and/or “Jezebels.” Note to all: You can steal a wide-screen TV, or a pirated copy of Photoshop, but husbands leave their “happy” homes quite willingly, usually with very happy penises. Don’t blame Jezebel.
The Two Marys
They are the most famous Marys in the Bible. One, The Virgin Mary, who gave birth to Jesus, (and managed to do that while keeping an intact hymen…don’t ask) and Mary Magdalene, the purported prostitute. Was she though? Not even biblical scholars agree. But ask anyone on the street if they think Mary Magdalene was a hooker and nine of ten will say yes.
But the point remains. Women come in two versions, according to religion: virgins and whores. So simple. So stupid.
And Now for Something Completely Different
Okay. So much for religious morality. New thought: What if atheists ruled the world? What an alien concept! But it is simplicity itself. You know how complicated the atheistic dress code would be? Be comfortable and wear the correct SPF in the sun if you’re worried about skin cancer. Be comfortable and practical. Think you could live with that? No penalties, no threats, no dire warnings about male erections or jingling ankles.
As for behavior, Confucius got it right long before Jesus: “Don’t do to others anything you wouldn’t want done to yourself.” That is a more powerful injunction than “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” And long before that, mammals who wanted to survive had to get along with each other. Simple as that. If they killed each other at the drop of a hat, they would go extinct in a heartbeat. Get along or disappear. But it doesn’t take a frightening, threatening God to make these beings behave. Mother Nature does it all.
Why religions have to portray females as virgins or whores must be explained by men. So, gentlemen, I’m listening.
